Albania

The crowded streets of Albania drummed my brain into numbness. So much movement... like looking into a flickering fire on a dark night. It was beginning to rain again, the thunderclouds sat over the city like a hen on her chicks. I watched the rain streak the windshield as a blast of lightening sent people scurrying for cover.

I had already spent a week in the country and had one more to go. Time was passing so slow. The Bible college on the outskirts of town where we were staying felt like a prison. Our driver had to return us before four every afternoon so he could make it to his next job. The six hours of free time every evening with nothing to do and my lack of motivation to make something happen were killing me.

By the end of my time in Albania we had spent a day painting a church, Phil and I had trained police officers three times, we spent a morning playing with kids, spoke at a church on Sunday, went for coffee at an old castle, visited a museum, and spoke at the Bible college. That's it... in two weeks.

Was it worth it? I think it must have been... although like everything else it was an extreme test of patience. I've learned to take deep breaths and calm the surges of frustration that tempt me to become cynical. I've learned that certain things like running or hiking can quell my annoyance and boost my ability to handle uncertainty, boredom and frustration. At least when I run I feel like I've accomplished something.

In the back of my mind there's a panicky voice that I try to ignore most of the time. It whispers, How long is this going to last? How long will life be a test of patience, just something you have to get through, something you have to survive?

I've fought God on his call on my life. I've shouted at him to release me, to let me go. In an attempt to force God's hand I've become apathetic, thinking somewhere in my mind that if I become irresponsible and dispassionate maybe God's call will be so hindered that he'll let me go. Maybe if I don't steward the call he'll give up on me. Maybe if I don't prepare for my speaking engagements or if I don't respond to emails or if I refuse to research or if I simply stop caring he will redirect me to his plan B.

But at the same time I can't help but say, Lord Your Will Be Done. I can't help but desire God's best for myself. I so want to live up to plan A. I want to believe that what he says about me is true, that together with him we can do great things.

I need to redefine what "great things" are. Forget about transforming the world. Together with Jesus, I can prepare for a seminar. Together with Jesus I can reply to my emails. Together with Jesus I can live day to day, managing my frustration because I know that he is with me. Together with Jesus I can thrive today.

God's not going to let me off the hook and instead of seeing that as a burden, I think I'll take it one day at a time and remember that Jesus is with me in my silly little day to day responsibilities.