the gray dawn

i've been trudging the last six months. my head has been down, the load on my shoulders whether real or imaginary has been crushingly heavy. my feet sink into the mud and the sun doesn't break through the clouds for weeks. the world is that depressing shade of gray typical to this part of the world; the gray clouds meet the gray ground and swallow up everything in a never ending mist of rain. the damp cold pierces to the bone and makes me shiver. i withdraw into myself.

it renders me incapable of worthwhile action. my passion drains out of me like blood from a near fatal wound. i'm left weak, merely surviving, filling my life with superfluous joys to compensate for the gnawing emptiness inside of me. like a wind up toy running out of steam everything about me turns slow. the effort to accomplish even the simplest of tasks leaves me breathless.

i have been satisfied to leave myself in the state of gray, something i've never been able to do in the past. some part of myself knew that this needed to run its course. straining against it would only frustrate me. it would be impossible to force the process to a premature conclusion, and in the face of failure i would have grown cynical and bitter and deeply angry.

and i didn't entertain thoughts that would have launched me into despair either; thoughts like what if this lasts forever? what if this kills my passion entirely? what if God has left me to fend completely for myself? what if i've failed in a way that i can never recover from? i allowed myself the grace to be where i was and rearranged various elements in my life to compensate. i was not going to feel guilty. the world was just going to have to deal with it.

is the dawn breaking? are the clouds thinning? today i'm back in my coffee shop "office" desiring to be productive. whoa. and a small part of my brain is beginning to strategize momentum-- how to create movement, how to produce action, how to rally the troops, how to change the world.

i feel like i'm waking up. i'm taking in my world instead of just staring at it. to my surprise the world has changed while i've been gray. winter has turned to summer, friends have come and gone. Life has flourished while i sat in the corner.

the glassy daze in my eyes is fading. i'm beginning to want to be a part of it all again.