A Subtle Thought

I'm so in articulate. I have no more space in my brain for deep thoughts. I simply am. Existing. Day to day.

My heart cries out that things should be different.
I should be different.
But I have no time for self reflection. I think it must, in the end, be too painful.

Am I where I want to be?
How should I know where I want to be? Do I have the answers for my life. I learned pretty quickly that I don't. I make a complete mess of things. The best I can do is try to avoid difficulty and hope it all works out in the end.

But self reflect I must.
I must.
If I don't it will all just pass away like shadows in the night and I wont learn my lessons. Everything will become circular I'll be repeating this grade for the rest of my life.

I haven't been completely honest with myself. I've been trying to fit myself into something that other people told me was the way to do things. It's been frustrating but I'm patient. I can wait out a lot, especially because I've experienced some of the other options and they're hard.

But my time is up. Things must change. Things are changing and God is working it out.

God. I haven't been speaking to him much these days. I know he's there. I know he's involved. I trust him. But I don't speak to him much. At least not with words. It's more like we nod at each other from across the room. I feel him but no formulate thoughts are communicated in my direction. He just is. I just am. I think that's all I can be at the moment. And I think God is more involved than I think he is.