This Christmas has been... interesting. Not because of anything that did or didn't happen or because of any person or people, but because of me and where I'm at.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I came back from an two month long overseas trip Thanksgiving day and jumped right back into things. I hardly got a break... but not because of someone else. Because of me.

I've been wondering for a while how to do a good job at managing my team. This past year has been basically horrible. Everyone is going in a million different directions, nothing is consistent. We've been working on nailing down our goals and vision statement for ages and it's never happened. Not because I haven't wanted to do it, but because the hugeness of nailing things down has always become an enormous project that involves pleasing a lot of different people. I'm fed up.

I'm taking things into my own hands. I'm going to be the leader this team needs and probably wants (although they may never admit that). I'm going to make the hard decision no one else wants to make and I'm going to confront the people who need to be confronted. No doubt I'm going to step on people's toes, no doubt people will not like me. But if we ever want to move forward this is going to have to take place.

My words, to my own ears, sound prideful and brash. A little voice whispers in my hear, Who are you to think you can make decisions. You can't lead this way, you need to be Democratic.

You know what, democracy on a team like this doesn't work. I've tried it all year and we're still a mess. There have also been people telling me all about servant leadership and the "Colony's way." Whatever it is that they've been saying hasn't come across the way they probably meant it. So I'm going to do what I'm guessing they're trying to say, but don't know how. Come to think of it, I don't think they've ever lead a team themselves, so maybe they don't really know what they're talking about anyway.

Which leaves me feeling pretty determined and a little rebellious. I'm worried that I'll become the type of leader that says, "To hell with your advice. I'm right and that's that!" Heaven forbid. But probably the fact that I'm scared of it means I'm a far cry from falling into that trap. The key word here is balance. Be tough, know where you're going, demand a commitment and hard work from the team, but be open to listening, consider their thoughts and if the need arises, admit you're wrong and change course.

That sound pretty sane.
But then why is it that I feel crazy sometimes, like I'm paddling a boat upstream and I'm starting to dislike the water?