I just finished watching the 5th Harry Potter movie, the one where Harry is angry the whole way through, where Professor Umbridge takes over and where Sirius Black dies.
I’m left feeling a little undefined after the movie, not because it wasn’t a good movie or that the story line was weak… but because in a weird way, I found myself relating to Harry.
There’s a bitter reality that I’m coming to understand. Bad things happen, they can happen to me and when they do happen to me I’m far more affected by them then I prepare myself to be.
Take for example, listening to the stories of a woman who grew up in the Russian orphan system, stories of her torture, abuse and repeated rape, and then listening to a former trafficker tell me about how it is indeed possible for someone to be so heartless, so evil, and so hardened that they can mercilessly destroy the lives of others.
All I do is listen and yet I walk away traumatized in ways I don’t even realize. I’m more jumpy. Loud sounds make my physically react. I see phantom movement out of the corner of my eye. I’m more prone to think that someone will pick me out of a crowd and come after me.
I am not invincible. I’m terribly, horribly vulnerable.
Of course this was always true, but the fine gossamer sheet of my former naïve illusion of safety has slowly grow transparent. In the face of this reality I want to withdraw and hide, I want to run from the fear, I want to pull the blanket back over my head and bury myself in happy dreams. I want to go back to pretending that fighting for good and justice were noble things, that good eventually does win over evil, that in fighting evil all the hardship is worth it.
Harry, in this movie, comes to realize in a way he hasn't before, that this struggle against evil has the possibility of stealing absolutely everything from him; his friends and school, his headmaster and possibly his very own life. He can't escape the battle since he is at the very center of it, but he does have a choice. Will he fight valiantly as the hero he always hoped he was, or will he sink into apathetic pity and let evil overwhelm him?
I understand why Harry is angry. The innocence of his childhood has been stolen away entirely without his permission. He wants to do the right thing but the reality of doing it is costly both in effort and attitude. There's no easy way out.
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Oh Ro, I am right there with you and Harry. I too am often left wondering what the f I'm doing here, thinking I can help in such a huge, dark and perverse world as the sex industry. It's too big and I am just little me. And on top of that, how can I continue to handle all that I am seeing? There's so much pain, destruction, perversion, injustice, sickness of mind, body and spirit. Does the Lord really want me to be subjected to all of this misery and filth on a regular basis? What is it doing to me, to my psyche, my dreams, my thoughts? I have all these questions, and so many more. But I have to keep seeking God's help in this battle. I have to keep thinking about the stories of rescue and redemption, about all those who are lost in this mess, who will only find any real hope in the power of Jesus Christ. I know He loves them, He weeps for them. And I have to keep believing He will give me the strength to endure. After all, I'm not the one behind the window, or on the street, or under the pressure of the exploiter, rapist, or trafficker. Thank God I'm not the one, and since I am free, I have a duty, an obligation. God has sent me, and you, and many others dear friend to proclaim freedom! We are affected by our work, of course we are. It's a scary, crazy thing we're doing. But if God is asking us to do it, won't He also take care of our every need in the process? Won't He protect us, heal us, nurture and feed us? Some days believing his promises is harder, but I choose to believe. I must believe.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you dear friend.